Blog!

Time to get personal!

Entry 1 - 4/8/25
"Blog With A Dog"

Does anyone fuckin' remember Dog With A Blog? I certainly don't, it was after my time, but I remember seeing ads for it and thinking, "damn, they sure as hell came up with a name and made a whole show around it". Truly off to a strong start here, but I thought it was funny because I just got a dog for the first time as an adult, and I'm something of a dog myself. He's a St. Bernard/German Shepard mix and only 11 months old. I got him from a local shelter a few weeks ago and apparently he never left the house the first 9 months of his life. Him and his sister got dropped at the shelter when the owners couldn't find any other way to get rid of him, his sister was adopted already so he was all alone, and I couldn't help wanting to give him a good home.
Anyways, I've wanted to have a little place to store all the wild things running through my mind and social media never really scratched that itch, especially not when everything is collected as fodder for AI slop. But even back in the mid 00's I always felt limited, trying to neatly package my thoughts and feelings into "status updates" and the like. My status is manically depressed, closeted, hooked and cooked, man. I feel like I'm dating myself a lot here but hey. I'm slowly starting to realize I don't like reading my own writing just as much as I don't like hearing myself talk, but oh well! This is my bit and god damn it I'm gonna commit to it. Not that I really expect anyone to read this shit anyways.
Moving on, I've been burnt out something fierce lately. Not in the "loss of pleasure from normally pleasurable activities" kind of way, (I've been filling out a lot of psychological evalutation surveys lately so they're on the brain), but so much more tired than I have any reason being. My chronic insomnia certainly doesn't help but thankfully its pretty mild, at least compared to my other chronic conditions. I've started taking iron supplements because anemia might be behind some of my symptoms, but I've been tested and re-tested for the last 10 years and they still don't really have any idea what is wrong with me. Truly built different, if I wasn't chronically ill I'd be WAY too powerful.
Aside from that, I've been dragging myself through the slog that is job hunting and it is a miserable time to be job hunting with no degree and minimal experience in America. For the past few years I was working a labor gig and as a boxing coach in the evenings, but I hurt myself getting overworked in a big push at the end of the summer for my labor gig and didn't have any workers comp. I've been in physical therapy since, I ended up hurting one of my discs and I was born with a degenerative disease in my spine so the injury was more severe and has more lasting effects. Now that I'm out of physical therapy the gym I worked at is being sold and I'm not physically well enough to work labor anymore. So all the experience I've gained in the past few years is worth a whole lot of nothing.
Before I got into the labor force I was forcing myself through school, still closeted, still strung out, neck deep in autistic burnout. I forget how far I've come since that time, but its hard being back in one of those transitional periods that make you feel like your world is ending and that everything you've done up until now has been pointless. I've at least still got one part time job but the pay is rough and the hours are terrible. Its important work for a local non-profit but it certainly doesn't pay the bills.
The other kicker from my injury is I had to stop doing sex work, which was the real money maker in my life. I tried to keep things pretty above board, camming and modeling mostly, I studied photography in college so that came in handy. I loved doing it, loved the confidence it gave me in my body, but I fucking despise the way men treat sex workers. I only got so much of it working on such a small scale, only a few thousand followers, but even I had my stomach turning on the daily with some of the shit that was said to me. I do miss the good aspects of it, and I sure do miss the money. I understand why some girls and gays sift through all that shit to make that bag.
With so much culminating at once like this, I've really been struggling to find the time, mental space or clarity to be able to create. I have so many little, disjointed ideas, I've been practicing my technique on all my instruments as much as I can, but getting it to all come together into something tangible has been hard. I finished a song recently that was more of a joke for myself than anything, I don't know if I'll ever release it, but hitting a brick wall with getting the mix to come together really killed my motivation, especially since this track has more vocal work than anything I've made up to this point. Since then I haven't been able to see any of my other projects through, for a number of reasons. The more time I spend working on art while watching my back account slowly wither makes it feel even more pointless. I didn't mean to get some grim with this first entry but hey, that's where my head is at right now I suppose. I know this is what everyone goes through with their art in different ways, bursts of inspiration and bouts of nothingness, but sometimes it really feels like things are slipping through my fingers like sand. I think more than anything that has to do with being trans, feeling like you got a late start on life, and the years lost to addiction certainly don't help. And feeling, and now even knowing you're different from everyone in your life, even if only in small ways by being autistic it adds to it as well.
Perhasp its the winter as well, cutting me off from the little community in my life. The injury and subsequent loss of mobility certainly added to the isolation. I'm looking forward to going back to the local punk shows, even though I can't get in the pit without risking my ability to walk. I'm looking forward to being able work to out again and feel strong, sexy and confident in my body. I'm hoping the summer brings some revitalization into my life, being able to swim in the ocean again, feeling the sun on my face, wearing as little clothes as possible and getting back to the skate park. I'm looking forward to feeling inspired again and getting one step closer to finishing the EP I've been working hard on for over a year now. Saying that makes me feel like there's even more pressure on, but just like this blog post, who even is going to listen? I want more than anything to create something authentic to me that I can be proud of, that makes me cry and makes me laugh, and everything in between. If one person listens to it and feels anything at all I think that'll be worth it. I know it wont put money on the table but FUCK who's gonna make art in the face of fascism if I don't? Who's gonna say the things I need to say, get everything off my chest, make my stance on my soap box, to make it real? I'm starting to lose it here so I think I'll bring things to a close.
Stay safe out there, take care of yourself, keep living even if its just for another day, I know things will get better, they have to get better, if they don't we can all crash out together and get really high. ALl the best, Star Garnet.

I'm sure I'll add more to this in the future but that's all for now!